Guys in Edgar suits.....

So today I put a lot of thought into relationships. I am not sure it got me to any definite conclusions, but at least it was a good exercise in awareness.

So without giving too much information… I was asked by my girlfriend to “come get her” and if she could stay with me.

I have known it was coming for a while…her leaving her husband that is. She has a plan that wasn’t supposed to play out for a few months. Sometimes it gets so bad though that she will call me in desperation to come get her. As it usually turns out she ends up not leaving him.

I drove fifty minutes to her place and had to wait over thirty for her to show up. She gave me money for gas and told me not yet…..I didn’t want to leave her, but what could I do?

What is the deal with people?! Why do they treat each other so bad?! Being alone can be so hard sometimes…is it really that tough to treat your significant other with kindness? Why do people in relationships take so much for granted?

It is my instinct to say why do guys do this? My personal experience is mainly with men who are the jerks. I would say there are a few of my best girls who are on the same page as me too. I know it isn’t just men, but being that my seeing is through a Lady’s eyes I apologize if I seem biased in my writing today.

So this guy, my best girl’s husband I will call Edgar. I call him that because of that “Men in Black” movie. You know the alien living inside an Edgar suit as he is referred to by Will Smith in the movie.

So Edgar appears to others to be this nice sort of bigger dude. He isn’t bad looking I am sure, but to me he is hideous. This guy tries to control who she sees, who she talks too, how she spends money, her son and pretty much everything else you can think of. He won’t let her have a phone and constantly takes her wallet. He rarely will let her call her family and girlfriends…he absolutely hates me becuase I respond to her cries for help. My being there and her not coming after she called me only makes this worse.

He is so mean all the time. He is even unkind when she is sick. He emotionally tortures her. He gets mad when she is in the bathroom to long or too often. He will throw her drinks out the window or spit in it to make a point. The point I think being is just to make her life hell!

I think he is an insecure boy who never grew up and wants her constant attention and devotion although he isn’t willing to give her his devotion on any level.

That doesn’t even describe the manipulative mind games he plays to mess with her head. It is all about power and all about control. But she saw very little of this in during the courtship.

People call this kind of individual sick. They are the one who plead mental incompetence when they get in legal trouble...yet they are clever enough (until exposed)to hide their inner monster from everyone else. As long as they don't let anyone to close..no one is the wiser.

On some very similar levels I experienced this with my ex husband and my ex boyfriend so I get how damaging it is to a woman psyche. People want to know why you don't just walk away.

Relationships are investments and it is so painful to put your heart and soul into a relationship thinking you really know someone…only to find out…you had no idea who they were and what they were really capable of. We live in denial sometimes even after we leave them.

I guess that means that all those little red flags are a big deal. This "Seeing Single Lady" is now so much more committed to being extremely observant in my dating life so that I do not miss those. I think so much of my own heartaches would have been lessened if I had taken a more cautious approach.

So many of us just go with the flow putting our trust in someone way too soon when we are dating. When someone is in a big hurry to go somewhere with a dating relationship that is a "Big red flag." They want to get you tied in emotionally before you even get what they are all about…"RUN" from that people!

After today I am now much more committed to watching out for those aliens walking around in Edgar suits…..

My Valentines Day as a Single Lady!

Being Single on Valentines Day is the hardest of all...harder than Christmas and even New Years Eve!
But yesterday was hard as well because it was my two month anniversary of breaking up with my boyfriend of almost three years (until I find something better lets call him Hal).

Breaking up with Hal was the hardest thing I ever did and the strangest thing of all was that I really didn’t have to break up with him….All I had to do is bring up some things that I wanted to understand and try to resolve, and based on his extremely defensive nature I knew he would lash out at me and that within days of his constant blame games we would break up. He never took responsibility for anything he was really good at putting it all on me.

Oh…How did I know this you ask? Because we had done this before and only the difference this time was that I was not going to call him and beg him to take me back.

What usually happened was that I try for a week to get him to call me, talk to me and work it out. By the time we get back together I am back in the relationship that is entirely on his terms…which is more like and imprisonment in a way. My feet were just so tired of walking on broken glass all the time.

The 13th of December is my break up date. It really didn’t really end for about a week after that because it is part of this game he always played. But I count it mainly it because it was the big catalyst day. It was also what I would consider our third breakup as well...I know pathetic. When does a Lady learn?

You see Hal had been telling me for a while that we were going to get married “next spring” and then it was “this coming summer.” Convenient for him that he would only tell me this when I was feeling very unhappy and it looked like I would walk.

So yesterday I thought of all my dreams I had with him. I realized I had more hopes for what could be than what really was. Hal was always accusing other guys of being talkers and would tell me he was different than that…..”He was the real deal!”

But time proved he was just as much a deceiver and out of touch with reality as the others. In fact I think much worse because he lead me on much longer.

I pictured us going to a Bon Jovi concert and to Vegas and Hawaii together. All of which he would say we would do…soon…then I had to accept the reality.

Which reality was that even though he was a really hard worker during the day, was that in the evenings and weekends he would rather sit and watch TV and live vicariously off of other peoples (sometimes Fictional) lives than have a life with me of his own.

I have to remind myself of these things to keep from running back. Yes I have a super duper soft spot but it isn’t worth indulging that particular soft spot where Hal is concerned.

You see today I found a little note card in my windshield wiper when I walked out to my car. I opened it up and it was a Valentines Day Card for my kids from his son. I of course broke into tears and fell into tiny pieces for almost an hour. Then I put myself back together and decided to be peeved that he would use his son to try to get to me, when he has to know this is a very difficult day for me. I also don’t have my kids this year for Val’s Day!

You see he keeps having his mom call to see how I am so he knows what is going on.

It seems at times that he wants me back but it seems he has commitment issues. He wants the relationship of convenience that we had before. I said some things needed to change and he isn’t willing to give me that commitment so he is sitting back and waiting for me to come back. He just sends out “missing you” and such texts from time to time and pulls at my heart strings, which of course always makes me cry... or infuriates me. Depends on the day and how I feel about men in general at the time.

A male friend of mine told me that all Hal would have had to do is show up with roses, a calendar a simple ring and I would go back. I hope not! I have had my days to dream about it but the reality was that being with him was a nightmare most of the time.

Oh yes I may be discussing Hal a lot. You see I am not really over him yet I am afraid. I loved him and gave him all of me, only to have him be selfish and unconcerned about my well being in return.

Hal is also not the only guy I have to talk about. I always seem to have a few lined up at least until I figure them out. I have much so say on the subject.
I know Valentines seems like such a depressing day to start my “Single Lady Blog” but hey! What else am I going to do? ;) Kisses to you all! XXOOX