Being Single on Valentines Day is the hardest of all...harder than Christmas and even New Years Eve!
But yesterday was hard as well because it was my two month anniversary of breaking up with my boyfriend of almost three years (until I find something better lets call him Hal).
Breaking up with Hal was the hardest thing I ever did and the strangest thing of all was that I really didn’t have to break up with him….All I had to do is bring up some things that I wanted to understand and try to resolve, and based on his extremely defensive nature I knew he would lash out at me and that within days of his constant blame games we would break up. He never took responsibility for anything he was really good at putting it all on me.
Oh…How did I know this you ask? Because we had done this before and only the difference this time was that I was not going to call him and beg him to take me back.
What usually happened was that I try for a week to get him to call me, talk to me and work it out. By the time we get back together I am back in the relationship that is entirely on his terms…which is more like and imprisonment in a way. My feet were just so tired of walking on broken glass all the time.
The 13th of December is my break up date. It really didn’t really end for about a week after that because it is part of this game he always played. But I count it mainly it because it was the big catalyst day. It was also what I would consider our third breakup as well...I know pathetic. When does a Lady learn?
You see Hal had been telling me for a while that we were going to get married “next spring” and then it was “this coming summer.” Convenient for him that he would only tell me this when I was feeling very unhappy and it looked like I would walk.
So yesterday I thought of all my dreams I had with him. I realized I had more hopes for what could be than what really was. Hal was always accusing other guys of being talkers and would tell me he was different than that…..”He was the real deal!”
But time proved he was just as much a deceiver and out of touch with reality as the others. In fact I think much worse because he lead me on much longer.
I pictured us going to a Bon Jovi concert and to Vegas and Hawaii together. All of which he would say we would do…soon…then I had to accept the reality.
Which reality was that even though he was a really hard worker during the day, was that in the evenings and weekends he would rather sit and watch TV and live vicariously off of other peoples (sometimes Fictional) lives than have a life with me of his own.
I have to remind myself of these things to keep from running back. Yes I have a super duper soft spot but it isn’t worth indulging that particular soft spot where Hal is concerned.
You see today I found a little note card in my windshield wiper when I walked out to my car. I opened it up and it was a Valentines Day Card for my kids from his son. I of course broke into tears and fell into tiny pieces for almost an hour. Then I put myself back together and decided to be peeved that he would use his son to try to get to me, when he has to know this is a very difficult day for me. I also don’t have my kids this year for Val’s Day!
You see he keeps having his mom call to see how I am so he knows what is going on.
It seems at times that he wants me back but it seems he has commitment issues. He wants the relationship of convenience that we had before. I said some things needed to change and he isn’t willing to give me that commitment so he is sitting back and waiting for me to come back. He just sends out “missing you” and such texts from time to time and pulls at my heart strings, which of course always makes me cry... or infuriates me. Depends on the day and how I feel about men in general at the time.
A male friend of mine told me that all Hal would have had to do is show up with roses, a calendar a simple ring and I would go back. I hope not! I have had my days to dream about it but the reality was that being with him was a nightmare most of the time.
Oh yes I may be discussing Hal a lot. You see I am not really over him yet I am afraid. I loved him and gave him all of me, only to have him be selfish and unconcerned about my well being in return.
Hal is also not the only guy I have to talk about. I always seem to have a few lined up at least until I figure them out. I have much so say on the subject.
I know Valentines seems like such a depressing day to start my “Single Lady Blog” but hey! What else am I going to do? ;) Kisses to you all! XXOOX
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