Seducing myself a Sugar Daddy...Not!

In that last few weeks as I have been faced with some very harsh realities about my life as a Single lady...more so a Single mother...I have had many different thoughts and memories come to mind that have left me only clear on one thing. One thing I will have to explain here in a minute...

I have made it pretty clear that for me love is what I want for my future, a truly amazing abiding love, one that can also handle the normal ebb and flow of everyday living, or should I say highs and lows...? I realize that life is not a fairytale but I do believe it can be magical at times if you have someone great to share it with. The fact is I do not want to settle for any thing less...as well as I don’t want to settle and become less than what I would expect and desire from my future partner.

It has hit me in the last while, as I have been looking for a better job and trying to run a household that...First off I am in a severe survival mode, and that my interest in men and even looking for a man has completely disintegrated. I mean other than a brief thought as I hit my pillow at night that I would sure love someone to cuddle with and share my life with, my thoughts are constantly about bills, my children’s needs and trying to figure out what to make for dinner, when all of the sudden the cupboards are bare and my bank account depleted.

Sorry, but my prince charming or personal chip and dale dancer (lol…kidding ;) is just going to have to wait!

The Second thing I have realized is that over the years since I have been divorced I have had more than a handful of Sugar Daddy and Marrying for Money opportunities that I just haven’t taken. I could go on and on about the desperate, but well off men that have wanted to sweep me off my feet, marry me or give me money...in fact I have had two offers just this past week from two men to be my Sugar Daddy, but it just isn’t appealing.

I think we typically think woman who want Sugar Daddy’s are out there trying to seduce this sort of situation, for me it always blindsides me. I am just going along trying to deal with life and all the sudden I have dozens of guys beating down my door, metaphorically speaking that is. What that really means is that they are calling, texting or filling my inbox with requests that they help me...funny that when I am the least focused on men they are the most interested...I learned years back that when it comes to men and their money you don’t touch it unless you want a life sentence or you are looking at a new carrier as a whore.

I knew a single lady who was divorced who used to brag about the wealthy men she would be a mistress to. They would provide for her and her children take her to exotic places buy her furs and jewels...well until they got tired of each other or the wife found out. She had been with so many men that by the time I meet her she couldn’t establish a real lasting relationship with anyone...mainly because at that point she was of a certain age, but that is how she made it through the first five or so more years after her divorce...you may end up alone doing this, just saying.

I made the big mistake of letting a male friend help me come up with my retainer for my divorce attorney, which I agreed to pay back or I never would have let him help (and I want you to know I did). He was one of those guys that always will tell you what a generous person he is, and so on and so forth...I agree he was very generous to help me when I was in a very difficult situation but as soon as he had, the whole dynamic of the friendship changed.

Naive as I was it didn’t take me long to figure out he had intentions other than being a friend and helping out a woman in a bad situation. All of the sudden he was calling me three times a day wanting to know where I was and what I was doing. He wanted to take me shopping and buy me clothes, when I refused he would bring clothes to my home he had picked out just for me. He was always insisting he take me out to dinner and I realized really fast I had just been purchased with a price.

I hate it when anyone tries to corner me so I resisted him and his games which created a whole lot of conflict...it really got ugly when I found out he was telling people that I was his girlfriend and that we had enjoyed his new shower together. Blah! I hadn't even had any physical contact with the guy so fancy that! I had never seen a man do so much to control a situation, well until I was divorced and now he is actually one of the mild ones I have met.

Holy Hell! This man was desperate! What kind of person lies and manipulates (using the mighty dollar I might add) someone into a relationship? Yep! You guessed it! Way too many...maybe almost everybody!

Yes, I may be struggling, but no! I have a reason for my so called pride. I mean honestly when I think about it I could be financially set now, either married to an immature attorney or the mistress of an already married architect who believes in sharing partners with his partner and who offered to provide money and support for being his special woman and participating in his brand of love(((gag)))...still offers every now and then too...but why do I want any part of that if I can’t have one person’s heart and that absolutely giddy feeling of excitement to be coming home to that person everyday???

I think that as much as men are bitter about woman being gold diggers and marrying just for financial stability they sure use money a lot to manipulate very desperate starving single woman to give them what they want. In fact that always brings me to one of my other pet peeves...the whole origin of prostitution.

If it weren’t for they way societies have been set up for centuries I don’t think woman would be out their selling themselves on these various levels just to survive. What in a way seems fashionable to the media of late, really has been and always will be a degrading profession. But if you look at the lady’s who have been selling themselves since way back before the Bible times, they did it because a woman was believed to be a lesser human than a man and if she was somehow abandoned by her family or her man whether through death or other circumstances she had no way to make a living. Without the protection of a father, brother or husband, woman were sold into slavery or forced to sell themselves as prostitutes just to feed themselves and their children. That is what is behind the story in the movie Moulin Rouge. I fyou do not get that then you’re missing an important point here. Woman did not and still in ways do not always have many options like a man would...back then they had to chose selling their bodies or starving to death...there really was no in-between.

What has always added more fuel to the fire for me is that it is the woman forced into this sort of position that were treated with derision, but not the men that enjoyed their company. Those men could still be up standing citizens, admired professionals and be a good church goers and it was fine in the eyes of society. In many ways now it is not that much different.

Now you have single mothers whose ex husbands refuse to pay child support and take any responsibility for keeping their kids and their kids mothers off the street. It shows that the value of woman and mother hood is still in the gutter. I remember one of my dear girl friends calling me up in tears so many times. Her ex was out living the high life (drugs and whores) and wasn’t paying her anything to help her take care of her kids. She was in a desperate place one day and ,was wondering out loud if the only way she was going to be able to take care of them was to go strip. I admit I have wondered if that is the only way a woman can make a living and still be home when her child walks though the door from school everyday. She of course has as much pride as I do, and that wasn’t an option.

The thing that kills me is just to be taken care of, woman will hook up with and go live with a man completely unsure of how committed he is, just to make sure she can feed and cloth her babies. Or as I have seen quite often as woman will marry the first guy who wants them, love not even being a part of the equation, just to survive. I am by no means a woman’s rights advocate but I know that single moms have a much harder time getting good stable jobs and a decent pay than a man.

Last year right around the New Year a guy who I had been talking to a bit with on the phone asked me if I needed some money. "I told him no." "I would be fine." He proceeded to tell me that it made him feel bad that I was under so much stress. I insisted I would figure it out on my own. Two nights later just after midnight I get a text from him, it said "Hey I am in the area, do you want to F***?" "I brought some money!" My blood began to come to a full boil really fast! I knew he had probably been drinking but that did not excuse the insult. "I told him I wasn't like that and to go to Hell!" Then in the hours it took me to go back to sleep I wondered how many woman desperate to pay for their kids school lunches would have accepted such and offer...

As far as I see it, our society treats woman as objects and is set up in such a way that you almost are forced into selling yourself on some level. As far as I am concerned men where the first to create whores, and as long as there is a demand there will always be woman settling for less just to survive.

But sorry dudes, I can’t be bought. That is the one thing I am clear on here...Not my body or my heart...so I will be living in a cardboard box before I go sell myself so move along now....!

Are you a good Witch or a Bad Witch?

I know that I usually write about guys and the things that drive me crazy but I have been saving up to do a blog about the creatures of my own gender...I say creatures because there are some woman you can definitely call that. It is like they aren’t even human some of them.

I get the compliment from men quite often that I am not like other woman...well good! I think! As long as it is a good way then I am fine with it...I am sure it is meant as a compliment because it is usually said by some poor guy who has been put through the wringer and he also thinks he is in love with me after one date.

Yes, I get that too! Kind of a turn off, just so you know...but more about that another time.

Woman can make me crazy, but I am not going to talk about the things they do that drive me nuts personally...this is about what I see and also hear about them doing to the opposite sex. On a side note....the only thing that baffles me here is that they usually always have someone to treat bad...why is that? When so many nice sweet girls do not have anyone and are alone???

So hmm...where to start? I mean really! There are so many things I can chew on here...

What is it with woman? Some of them think that their sole life’s purpose is to get exactly what they want not matter what it takes to get it and not care one bit about who it hurts. They are God’s greatest gift (in their mind) so it is like anything goes. Now I am not saying that men are right, and some aren’t selfish too but there is no reason for a lady to become a hag in handling men.

I mean really. I saw this poor young man and his new bride to be going through Target once with the wedding registry gun in hand and the future mother practically leading the way...the daughter says “oh, I want this!” Pointing to a duvet cover (I was shopping for sheets for my son) the groom to be said “why do you want that?” “Cant we just use a blanket?” Well you should have seen the dirty disgusted look the future mother in law gave him, then she rolled her eyes at her daughter and gave her the “What where you thinking when you go engaged to him look?” Then she proceeded to verbally demean him…which he just stood there and took. Future bride didn’t even stand up for him…they were young but if you love someone (I hope to hell you do if you are marrying them) then you should be sensitive to their feeling’s. And yes Men have feelings. SHOCKER!!! What! You didn’t know???

So first off…this boy (so to speak) he may put up with nasty-mother-in-law now but when he gets older...Hell No! (I always hear Will Smith in my head when I say that. He has the best “Hell No!” ever)
I mean really! As soon as the newness of the bedding down with your new-hot-wife wears off you’re not going to take crap like that from anyone. It is not worth it anymore… you’ve already jumped through the hoops (the ones that are a blaze with fire at the crazy circus)
The other thing is, and I have seen it before...either little missy-new-bride will always let mom run the show, or at some point she will become her momma. I mean really! Even when a girl doesn’t want to be her mom she is going to be on some level. So if a girl’s mom is a witch I know she has some serious witch potential too! Just saying!

Oh, and how can I forget! If a boy this age did know why she needed a Duvet Cover in the first place, either he is a son of an interior designer or he is gay! If he is gay then he shouldn’t be marrying her either.

I had this neighbor who used to demean her husband in public. She would tell everyone the stupid thing he did that morning or two days before and just go on and on. She would pull you into her “Ugly”(I call it the ugly) and I would be stuck there feeling really bad for her husband who would say nothing and just silently take it.

I knew without a doubt that this lady didn’t feel one bit good about herself so she had to find fault with everyone else and her poor hubby was the live-in-victim.
Do people not realize when they treat other this way they are wearing a sign that says “I really hate myself?”

Then there is the ex wife of my ex boyfriend. When I first started seeing him I sat back and listened. I knew that is was extremely common for a man to bad mouth his ex. Although he didn’t say the typical things I have heard, he didn’t have much nice to say. In fact he didn’t say much very often but when he did...oh man! I could read through the lines the red-raw-deep-hurt in there, and yes...He never was a guy that would cry but do not kid yourself, he felt things quite deeply...so much so he will not forgive easily.

I sat back and watched as I always do (I always give them a lot of rope to hang themselves) and tried to give the situation a fair observation. In this case I found out she is exactly what he said and then some. I am not saying his manner never contributed when they were married he hates conflict and will avoid it as much as possible which probably makes a conflict seeker more upset...but that woman is a beast.

She lies, steals and cheats. Buys her kids off to stay with her on his weekends and then dumps them on him at the last minute on her weekend every now and then because she wants to go play. When I meet him he had not seen his kids for a year, except for one hour at Christmas. It was because of my encouragement and telling him when we first had started dating that he needed to fight for his rights that he went back to court to get his rights back. I remember the day he got them after a year apart how proud he was to introduced them to me. It still makes me cry when I think about it.

He is a good man and a good father but he was sick of the abuse. She told him she would make his life a living hell for leaving her (she made more money than him???) and that “No one leaves her!”
Man! No wonder he has commitment issues!

I never understood this because I always wanted to be a good enough wife that my man would never want to lose me...to me that is logical...course by saying that I may have just revealed that it was me that filed for divorce in my situation... ;)


She treated him like garbage and I got to see first hand when we were dating and through their boys.
She lies to the kids to try to make them hate their dad and doesn’t care one bit about the psychological damage she is causing. As long as she can have what she wants, it doesn’t matter! She has another new boyfriend. How can new boyfriend not see this I wonder?

Their sixteen year old son and I are quite close now and so we have had many a talks about it. He told me that she had them convinced for that whole year that their dad left them and hated them...I mean really!! How sick is that???

In fact it was with my exes son, that I saw how young this stuff starts. He had this little girlfriend right around age 13 (three years back) who he just adored. She found out he was cutting and went to the school counselor to tell her.
The school counselor called me because he told her he couldn’t talk to his parents. I talked to him about it and then all of the sudden became his support system...sort of. He didn’t tell me everything. He is still a boy!

His little girlfriend would call all concerned about him and tell me what was going on all the time and then as some point it got out of hand. She started ripping on him with her friends, saying things like she hated him and such…then she would text me and say...oh, I feel so bad. He is mad at me. Well what he was a mess! Back then if he had killed himself I would not have been surprised. I felt like I was holding on to something as tangible as the wind. I never felt so desperate to help someone.

His whole world fell apart when his parents got divorced and they were still so caught up in the battles and the pain that they couldn’t see how bad this was hurting him...on top of that some stupid girl was telling him he was worthless.

I asked her “what she was trying to do by treating him like garbage?” I told her that “even though girls seem to think otherwise, that boys are not lab rats in which to practice emotional terrorism on.”

I told her to leave him alone now since she wasn’t his friend anymore. He would never trust her after the games she played. If he came around he had to on his own. You cannot be mean and then just say sorry and think it will fix it. A man in not a light switch you can turn on and off...well at least not in that area. :)

I wasn’t quite that direct but real close...

She started this whole feeling sorry for herself thing and said that she felt like killing herself now or changing schools. She tried to blame me for her feeling badly. I told her she was the only one who was responsible for her own feelings and actions. I told her that I still thought she was a very pretty, cute girl but that she needed to care about being pretty and cute on the inside or she was going to keep repeating the same patterns and there was no way she would feel good about herself if she continued.

I reminded her that she hurt someone terribly, so I didn’t understand why she came to me (because she came to me to ask my opinion) and would expect me to tell her what she did was right. I told her I couldn’t tell her it was okay. When it wasn’t and she knew in her heart it wasn’t. I told her to take the experience and learn from it and that I hoped she could feel better and be happy again.

I have never understood this mentality yet I see it every day in people...and I see it starts so young!

Then you have the woman who uses sex to hook their man and then they marry them expecting him to take care of them in every way, without ever taking care of his needs, the home he provides or even the kids they have together sometimes.

I realize that some men use our weaknesses and vulnerability’s against us but, Girls! We should be smart enough to not to allow ourselves to do it right back. When we treat men poorly it makes us ugly and disgusting inside and at some point you won’t be worth it to them anymore.

I always am sad to see a hot chick treat a guy like crap, because he will only put up with it as long as she looks like eye candy. As soon as she isn’t pretty on the outside or the sex stops the fascination will be gone...if you are pretty inside that will create a feeling and desire for you within your man that can last forever.

Girls if you won’t be fair to them please don’t waste years of their lives...your wasting years of your own life holding yourself back from being something great and amazing too...It is in the giving of ourselves that we find our greatest self.

Relationships are more about the giving then the getting…if you can’t deal with that then maybe it isn’t for you. I am talking about the giving of respect here which you can’t put a price on.

Superman or Super imature man?

I have heard it said before that “men are like little boys...they will always try to see what they can get a way with.”
So somehow even though we want to be their lovers rather then their mothers we seem to have to set the standard so that they do not take advantage of us.

Poor unsuspecting females are falling victim to games or are putting up with bad behavior from their men everyday. Growing up so much of it is around us in our brothers, our fathers or our society we are not taught how to even see it, let alone deal with it.....we just suddenly are in the middle of it.

Many women I know are so afraid they will lose the relationship (or potential relationship) to say what they really think and even establish boundaries that actually show they have respect for themselves.
I know! I used to be one of them...you get burned enough and you finally learn.

I don’t know if it comes from our dog eat dog mans world but when a man sees that someone doesn’t have respect for themselves they with take advantage of that person and that person cannot have their respect.

I cannot tell you how many men start out pretending to be your Mr. Right, telling you how wonderful you are, enjoying your stories and your jokes complimenting you….only to get comfortable one day and suddenly be a totally different guy.

Suddenly they are calling your best girlfriend who was deceived and hurt by some guy, retarded...they are poking fun at people. Making fun of others religious views bringing up things that they know make you uncomfortable like sick stories they heard at work...you get the idea.

And we often put up with it because when he treats us sweet, we feel loved. It always makes you nervous though because if he was in a mood, couldn’t that turn on you?

Some guys get comfortable fast and you know what? I let them. I want to find out how quickly they will drop their guard and let me see what they are really all about. They will be so careful at first so the most extreme examples may not help anyone, I will start small here tonight even though I have some even bigger stories...so the red flag you are looking for here is what kind of things do they blurt out and say without thinking...?

Guys are known for saying and doing things because of pride or ego and so often without thinking about it first. So caught up sometimes to impress they do not even think about what would really impress you...which is okay. You don’t want them impressing you to play you. Look for the Red Flags girls!

There was this Attorney who I knew as a friend. He was a Male Pieces which means he has good lying potential...I knew that prior to hanging out with him. I even told him in a joking manner when we started hanging out that I realized his sign was one of a liar. He told me that was true but that he didn’t lie anymore. Lol...!
He told me of his interest and was trying to impress me, trying to do things for me even though I told him I had just broken up with my boyfriend and wanted a friendships first. He was way interested in me, hinted at me maybe marrying him but told me he wanted to be my friend first too.

The truth is I was looking at him...sizing him up and weighing his qualities and trying to decide if I could really date him. I always do that, part of my Libra nature to give everyone a fair chance. I admit when he gave me Easter Lily’s the week before I was kind of digging that...

So we were going to hang out with my girlfriend and go to this restaurant called “Cedars of Lebanon.” To see my friends Belly Dancing instructor who was performing that night. I was excited to go do something new and I had my daughter with me as well.

Well Mr. Attorney started out the night trying to bribe my daughter with money to do things like help straighten up the backseat of the car and to eat her food. He told me he always bribes his boys with money...ummm.....RED FLAG!

Oh wait! How could I forget???? The best part! When I showed up at his home to pick him up he was wearing a Super man costume!!!! Yes, really! Not sure if it was supposed to be a subliminal message (he thought I would think he was super maybe???) but all I could think was RED FAG!...Ooops! Red FLAG I mean.

My daughter still talks about this. I think she was traumatized a bit actually....

Thankfully he did change into street clothes before we left and as I was pulling out of his driveway he said. “I think you are the kind of person who figures things out too late.” I asked him to explain and he gave me a semi sarcastic,“ Oh, nothing!”

So on the way to the restaurant he tells me Oh, My GoSH! You actually drive really decent for a girl! Then proceeded to make a few disparaging comments about what lady drivers are like.

Somehow I think that was supposed to impress me or make me feel good...? The first time I had driven with him BTW he almost hit someone because he was so busy telling me some wild story and twice we almost went off the road. So I was thrilled to drive that night!

Then he proceeded to tell me that the last time he was at the "Cedars of Lebanon" restaurant he got drunk and was doing drugs and had to be carried out by his friends...it was years ago he said....when he was a student at BYU none the less... Hmmm...I thought...

As we drive into the city I notice that they have signs advertising the Ann Frank exhibit. I told him that I remember year’s ago when it was here last, going to see it. He suddenly goes off on how stupid she was for hiding and then getting killed. Are you kidding me?
?
?

Who says that about people? Then he went on about how “his descendants were in the war and they survived and no one celebrates them!”

I said to him “you know.” “That journal she kept gives us a clue as to what it was really like for those people.” “I think it is great we have that bit of history.” “I find it moving.”
Inside I am Thinking BIG RED FLAG!

Yep! The things they say without thinking will give you a huge clue as to their immaturity and inner nature.

So, I told him that I found what he said to “be a bit snobby.” I was actually completely disgusted by him ripping on a famous deceased person.

During dinner my daughter made friends with a cute little dancer and so I was all over the restaurant with her taking pictures and watching the performances. He sat and talked to my friend most of the time and stared at me a lot.

When I took him home that night he was very quiet. I kept asking him what was wrong. “Nothing he would say.” He was strangely quiet... typically his mouth never stopped running. I like to talk and he makes me seem quiet! I worried something was wrong and called him as I was driving away. "Can you tell me what is wrong?" He acted like I was crazy for asking. Something was up though.
Okay! If that is how he wanted to be.

An hour later he called me acting strange...I thought he might be drunk. He just went on and on about how much fun he had and how wonderful he thought I was....Weird???

That next day my girlfriend from the night before called me to chat and then told me that he had told her we were together, and had fabricated a story about it to her.

I do not think he realized until the end of the night how good of friends she and I are. Or he wasn't thinking...maybe his ego was involved somehow. There were other men watching from time to time too.

Yes, that was enough to give me a reason to be done hanging out. I had already seen some of this sort of behavior, but it was getting to be more frequently. Over the next two days he would text and call and I would rarely answer or I would tell him I have to call you back. I was pretty busy. I was actually busy and had my kids around so I wasn’t really sure what to do or say. I never want to be rude but when they are.....you have to say something. Then one night he text me and said. “I guess you’ve fired me from being your friend.”

I then replied that “I didn’t appreciate him telling my college girlfriend that you and I were boyfriend and girlfriend.”
He of course denied it and told me some story but I know my friend. She didn’t lie to me. There were enough bits of truth in the story she told me that he had to have told it to her, things she never would have known if he hadn’t said something.

Oh, He so blew it!

He knew it too!

Funny thing though...as I was just writing this he just text me, wanting to know how my kids and I are doing.
This story happened more than five months ago and it takes me recounting it and he is now trying to contact me.

Creepy!!!!!

That is so law attraction stuff I tell you! You thinks about someone and they call you or text....

Okay!
That was some food for your thoughts! Pay attention my friends! Don't tolerate these kinds of behaviors for a second or you will end up marring the guy and finding out you have to be his mother....always telling him what is appropriate when he should already know.

I have to leave this one be now so he doesn’t contact me again...

Mail Order Man

So this subject has been on my mind a lot lately...especially since it grazes over some of the subjects and conversations I have been having with some of my male facebook fans.

I am sure there is more to say on the subject than I will even remember to cover at the moment but I can always add more at a later date if needed.

I don’t know about you but if you are single especially single again; you probably hear a lot of suggestions of what you should look for...mixed in as well are your own ideas about what you think you want.

What used to be a trip to the ice cream store to taste all the different flavors becomes a long fruitless shopping trip for that one perfect item. The item that will change your whole world and outlook on life...it will define you perfectly…it has to be the right, size, fit, color, style, price, length...well it has to be perfect, or your not taking it home...let alone be wearing it around your friends, family and colleges.

Yeah, Sorry to say but sometimes it seems like looking for the perfect partner is like big shopping trip.

I mean really...you’ve seen them! The lists! I want tall dark and handsome and around age 40 so he is just older than me. He has to make a lot of money and he can’t have kids or be divorced...or...and the list goes on forever.

I am not saying you cannot have a list. I am a bit of a fan of the Law of Attraction and for that to work you have to be positive and you have to be clear on what you want but there is reality too you know.

Yes! I realize everyone’s reality is a little different.

There is the reality of those standing on the outside. You know friends and parents most of which are already in a relationship and haven’t a clue what it is like out there in that black hole of a dating abyss.

They are like...”what you need to do is find a nice man who is fairly young and a window, so you know his marriage didn’t end because he was messing around...someone who is of the same faith, financially established and doesn’t expect you to have any more kids”...on and on they go. Yeah, well that has its own set of problems just so you know.

What do I think is the reality? First off...just to clarify I am no expert on anything but my own life’s experience but in years of reading about relationships, men, woman and psychology and of course having my own experiences with men and or observing those around me, here is what I think is a problem.

We think we can just order what we want out of a catalog! Hello! Can’t you see that???

I do not care if people say you can order what you wish out of the universe by using the Law of Attraction or pray for that perfect mate because, First off what you think may be best for you probably isn’t. You are going to make what you want in your mate too perfect and too comfortable...a perfect fairytale and that my friend wont challenge you enough in life to help you grow into your best self.

I believe that if you cannot be stimulated to grow you are not going to be motivated to find your life’s purpose, and I am not sure you can be really happy without purpose. I know I sure can’t.

Second of all how boring is that? You really want someone so predictable that you have them pegged down to the letter? They fit your whole list so...OMG! What happens if one day they display a totally different characteristic than you had on your list? Something you never wanted or ever asked for? Are they a traitor? Wait! Wait! I know it has been over 30 days but can I please return this????

Third point is that these are people we are talking about. People aren’t perfect! This world is not perfect because it is full of people! Duh!
Also where is the intimacy? I mean mental and emotional intimacy! Sure people think they are intimate because they are physically and sexually involved but that isn’t what defines real intimacy. Intimacy is an almost tangible bond, a deeper soul reaching connection with someone.
We always think that is what we want in our relationships and then do everything in our power to find reasons to push people away so that we never can have it. Then we wonder why we don’t have it...

You cannot have intimacy if you only look at people in the superficial terms of “what do I get out of this?” We are robbing ourselves of truly feeling and living life and feeling happiness by looking at other so mechanically.
“Point Blank” we are setting ourselves up for disappointment by trying to create our perfect person. No wonder people are now looking for the robot of the future to be their companion. Ridiculous! But I am serious! There are people out there who want that. They are lonely but what are they doing about it? You don’t change the people around you; you change how you see them. We think that unless we find that perfect person we will never be happy!

I think a lot of people will be miserable forever because they are waiting for the perfect partner, the perfect life and the perfect situation.

Have you ever noticed that people who will tell you that you have to love yourself first and make yourself happy are also the first people to tell you when you start dating someone (who of course isn’t perfect) “You deserve better.” “He isn’t good enough for you.” Based on what though? I am not saying that Deal Breakers don’t matter and not to look for Red Flags! That is still something I am big on.


Think about it though...

You may be giving up some really good things just because someone may have a few less desirable traits...traits that often are not even that big of a deal in the big picture...traits that only keep you from being close and happy with someone because you let them.

I mean really...

What if you are head over heals in love with each other? Are you going to throw that away becuase of human differences between you both or use it as a motivator to grow and refine yourself.

Maybe the man watches too much T.V at night even though that same man may work harder during the day than any other man on the block.

Maybe the girl isn’t the height, weight and coloring you prefer but she is sweet and faithful.

Maybe they get irritable when they are hungry or things aren’t happening fast enough but they never are abusive or angry about it. There is going to be tension at times.

Look for the good then make sure to appreciate that good and you will attract more of it. You also have to be the positive force for good you want to attract.

We would never grow if it was all perfect, and I am pretty certain we will be waiting forever for perfect.

This is about creating it the best way you can....and only you can. You are the only one that you can really create, and that has more power to change your relationships than you know. Sometimes it just means letting go of things you cannot change and looking for the positives. I think if we all took 100% responsibility for the outcome of our lives we could be freeing our self's from those big unrealistic expectations.

Sweet Dreams!
Seeing Single Lady

MAYBE YOU'RE NOT HEARING ME!!!

I do not know what it is but it just seems like rather than attracting men who are looking for a serious relationship (hopefully one that will last) I seem to only attract less suitable characters. There are all types really but I think that there are two that at the moment in particular are really bothering me enough to do some real venting here.

The first is the Married Man who shows interest. He thinks that his particular situation is different and that somehow no one else has it as hard as he does. His wife doesn’t understand him and she doesn’t care...? Not buying that by the way and you shouldn’t either!

You see I have run across many, many, married men who all tell the same story. There tag lines and justifications are nearly identical.
And you know what? Marriage is hard and it is work. They are probably not willing to do the work. What makes you think they would with you or that you would be different? Maybe she is difficult because maybe she senses that something isn’t right with you and you are not a loyal partner.

As a man thinkith and all! If you are concentrating on the grass being greener she is probably picking that up intuitively and it is affecting her so called understanding of you. Insecurity and paranoia can do terrible things to a woman. I know. I was in relationship where I constantly saw my man showing off and trying to catch the eyes of other woman. Maybe didn’t handle it the way other woman do but that feeling that I wasn’t enough did take its toll in other ways.

I may delve into that deeper at some point later.

The other thing they have in common...that find I more irritating than that third grade substitute teacher who used to run her fake fingernails across the chalk board as she writes...breath...is that they do not take No for an answer. They must be so good at getting their way that they just hound you and hound you.

They have you all figured out at this point...vulnerabilities and all. They know what to say. It is a tactical game to them.

So for instance the man in particular who is hounding me is a guy I knew years ago. I had always cared about him as a dear friend but it had never gone anywhere back then. I am talking when we were teenagers here. I thought he was a friend still and thankfully he lives out of state. Yes he is married. In the last month he has been, and keeps trying convince me to come and stay with him for a weekend while he is in Washington on a business trip.

I have said NO a thousand times and he keeps persisting! MAYBE YOU’RE NOT HEARING ME!!!!

The thing is I know he hears me. He just seems to be of the impression if he begs and justifies and send me sweet emails, messages and texts that he will wear me down.

Is this because it usually works this way? Are my single lady sisters out there being worn down? Are they really falling for this and giving men the sense that they do not need to respect a woman’s feelings?

I have said, “I do not want to be the other woman!” I do not want to hurt your wife.” “ I do not want to have to live with myself if I were to do that.” “I don’t do that!” So why wont the jerk just leave me alone? Why do men force us to be vicious and start resorting to phrases like you disgust me and I hate you????

Yesterday I got a text before 6:00 am in the morning that said “I was listening to a song that expresses how I am feeling about you!” It was “right here waiting for you” by Brian Adams he said. YUCK!!!!

I was angry! I do not want anyone to ever wake me up before 6:00 am ever! My alarm goes off at 6:30 and unless you are my sick child, do not mess with me!!!!
As angry as I was I didn’t reply. I have already told him No, and when No should be enough and isn’t...I think someone’s head needs to get checked.

The other man that I find just as dis-tasteful is the Obsessive Single Man who you barley know who is telling you that you are supposed to be his wife. This one uses God as his justification if he thinks you are religious or the universe or your parents if that one will work. He acts as though you shouldn’t even question whether this would be mutually beneficial.

He is pushy and is merely concerned with pushing his agenda. He doesn’t care if you feel the same or to even take the time to find out if you could. He is in a hurry and could care less about what is best for you. He is so busy trying to impress you and always has to be the center of the conversation. So he really hasn't a clue what you are really about nor does it matter for his performance.

So when I told him I wasn’t in the same place he basically told me that I was not in a good place with God. I needed to just see that this was the right thing for me and then pray to God to help make it work for me. What about there is No chemistry does a dud (I mean dude) not get? I am not praying about something I do not want! MAYBE YOU’RE NOT HEARING ME!!!!


This particular dude who was already very passive aggressive started dropping little comments like. “You seem to be someone who figures things out too late.” “Oh really!” I think to myself. “You think if I haven’t decided right now that you are the bomb I am really going to regret it later?” Are men really that full of themselves? Unbelievable!

They think a little flattery and you’re going to be hooked. Have they not realized that far more genuine people are in your life telling you are beautiful and don’t have ulterior motives? Do they really think you are an island? Do you think you are an Island?
You better not! If you do you are making yourself the perfect victim to be falling for this kind of thing.
I have watched myself change over the years and I remember when I was younger and a guy would give me a compliment how I was so happy and it made my whole darn day!

Now I am like...so? So what! You think I am hot, sweet and spicy? Well duh! So as a woman thinkinth you know! And just because you are hot doesn’t mean they get a free sample or even are the right person to make the purchase or a high ticket valuable item here! Do not sell your self short girl! There are no discounts for talkers!

A Sensitive Man

Do you ever hear someone say they want a sensitive man? Well I have heard t often. And I am sure I have even said it myself at times...but as of late I have really been thinking about what these things we say, when we are talking about what we are looking for, really mean. I really, really think that, a sensitive man is not what I want. Really!
When I say sensitive...I think when it comes to men, what I really want and should be saying is awareness and respect.

You see, I know this nice guy, who is sensitive. He even really likes me, a lot! As I have been getting to know him better (besides thinking he may be too metro sexual for me) I am finding he is way to sensitive.

I don’t mind a man having sensitivity, or empathy but if it is in higher amounts I am just not sure I can feel anything but motherly feelings towards him. I am not sure I want to be desperately finding him Kleenexes for his very runny nose and he sobs and wipes his eyes on his tee shirt. I think what I've needed all along really is a man with awareness though....let me see if I can explain this.

See if I am watching a movie that is sad and I am crying...believe me! I am crying enough for the both of us. I think it is great for him to see that things like that bring out a tender side in me, but if he is crying too...well I think I would rather be watching the movie with my sister or a girl friend.

Now if he acts totally uncomfortable and insensitive because I am sobbing then that is a turn off too. What you want is a guy who notices (awareness) and reaches out to you...pulls you closer, gives you a hug or a squeeze and smiles (respect). Something that says! Hey girl! I love that you care about things enough to get a little choked up. “It is so cute!” “Or I am here for you baby!” Oh, and I am not talking about just a movie making me cry...Sometimes life (and even love) is a battle and a girl just needs to detox a little. I really do blame this on hormones by the way...but I’m not Mother Nature so I just accept it. This isn’t for me to alter.

Man, there is nothing like a man making you feel all safe and secure in his arms while you have a little moment. I know it sounds sappy but it is true! I have dated enough cave men that seemed so highly insensitive that I have found myself getting in that trap wishing someone understood better the way I see things.

What was I thinking??? Well I am not gay! Even though we are a stunning more attractive sex...generally speaking of course. I do not want to be with a woman. You know I love to commiserate and harmlessly flirt with my girlfriends (it is an ego boosting thing for us) and as much as having a gay man to talk too that is great at understanding all that stuff, there is not going to be a spark between either of us to save the planet from extinction any day, of any week, ever! Just saying!!!

And a girl needs to feel a spark sometimes! That is if she wants to be in a relationship with the man.

I remember my last boyfriend saying he has never cried in his life. Well I used to think...huh, really...that's not cool. A typical girl question I asked once was “well would you cry if I died?” Well...it only irritated him. He was most uncomfortable when he said “maybe...probably...oh, I don’t know!” Okay, Okay! Let me explain. I haven't changed my tune.

I am not saying now that a guy can’t shed a tear anymore if they want me to like them. I would prefer it. It means he is human! By all means I want him human!!! Aware of what a human experience feels like. Joy, pain, sorrow...all that stuff that I have to feel, excluding childbirth and the monthly losing my mind for a period of time thing of course. I mean in the least, can he have some empathy for me?

I am just not sure now that I want to see him ever sobbing like I would over a hallmark commercial. I think the composed seemingly indifferent man seems a lot more attractive to me as long as he is capable of crying when it really counts.

Yeah, So I am an old fashioned kind of girl deep down. I want to be successful and feisty and in my own power, but when it comes to being in relationship with a man I want him to be my hero and make me feel like he will be there to fight my dragons for me...even if that means he just holds me for a while and tells me it will be okay...just enough so I feel I have his love, respect and support. More than likely after I am done feeding off his strong masculine energy my tears will dry up and I will get my own sword out and fight the battle for myself. :)

Red Flag! He doesn’t really listen…part 1

Now I cannot make any of my Red Flags #1 on my list because I think that it depends on the individual. Some Red Flags are bright fiery red and you know “You Are Getting Burned Girl!” Then others may just be a blush of pink with a slow spreading red stain the more you spend time interacting with the individual.

Listening happens to be a big on my list. See I know men know we are listening…they even use our listening to their advantage at times sending us subtle messages that we know link up to bigger things...but if I go there I will be making this complicated and I am getting a little off course here. Maybe I will come back to this sometime.


So you know they aren’t listening when you are on the phone with them and they keep saying hold on a second, and then you hear the sound of rattling static in your ear. “Sorry” they apologize a few seconds later. “I had to send off a text.” Okay so maybe once in a while...like four times a month this may not bother me. But the dude would call me while he was driving home from work and be texting his ex wife and buddies and supposedly talking to me...well he was telling me what he was texing me. Not much of a conversation there.

First off, If you aren’t going to put some time into to having real conversation with me, “Don’t Call Me!”
Are you kidding me? Really? And oh, also I don’t consider long texting conversations real conversations either because then when the same person keeps texting me trying to have a in depth conversation and doesn’t pick up the phone and call at any point realizing that Hey, They have my full attention...I start thinking...hmmm...I wonder who he has on the phone who he is having that same imaginary conversation with while he texts me now?

Guys cannot multi task! And they will admit it wholeheartedly, but they seem to be the first to juggle multiple women trying to keep them all interested in them without actually putting any significant effort into any one of the lady's.

Now where was my point about this fruit cake not listening? Well I got to listen plenty about his texting, ex wife drama... to his constant sighs and yawns into the phone...which I now believe was nervous tick...like at the end of every sentence! Makes my skin crawl now! That is just not normal! It bugs me worse than a child chewing loudly in my ear now.

The not listening was him asking me all the time...so what is your schedule like this week?
Which being that we both have kids and parent time schedules we are juggling with, I totally get why he is asking. In fact I would even appreciate it but as I tell him my weeks plan (remember he asked) I get the feeling that he is like a cat on a window sill watching a bird fly by...totally forgetting his toy mouse that had his attention previously. At that point I would rather be the bird than something to toy with so I can fly away!

So After I explain my week in a few short sentences and then state "so that means I am available Wednesday night and over the weekend." He then says, “Well maybe we can get together!" Then he rushes on to say “I have so much to do, I better get going!” Oh, and it is followed by a “I’ll talk at ya later!” Since I can tell he is a burning the candle at both ends and including all his limbs type of guy. I say goodbye and then I pretty much write it off.
Whatever! Maybe we can get together?

No kudos for him being vague and unable to commit to scheduling time to see me. What about that subtly is going to make me feel it is even worth while to spend time with him? He didn't make me feel worthwhile, and really I am not desperate for his validation.

Then I go through my whole week never hear from him (really I am not mourning this by any means) only to have him call me bright Monday morning asking me when I wont have my kids. Well I didn’t have them all weekend. “What he says?” “Why didn’t you tell me I could have seen you?” Then I am thinking...“Well, the fact is, I did!” Are you kidding me?

If you aren’t going to listen please do not ask! Seriously, this guy is the first man I can really call a fruit cake. It could have something to do with him having the word “Berry” in his name though. I have so much more to say about fruit cake later.

Just so you know I rarely call guys. I will return calls and maybe text a “hope you are having a great day” if I talk to them frequently, but I am not going to be chasing them down, especially to see if they really meant that we might go out. I have done it once before and got burned. That is another story though. :)
I also probably don’t do it because if they are vague and throw things out there that way then I have a sense that they want to be wanted and chased after, it is like it feeds their ego on some level.

There are good ways to feed a mans ego and there are bead ways...If I am in a relationship with a guy, then it is different. I will call whenever I want and when it is appropriate. But I want to be wanted as well, and a guy either wants to spend time with you or he doesn’t. You aren’t convincing him of anything so I let him take the lead here.

The only draw back here with my mentality is that with so many woman chasing men I think the men have gotten a bit lazy and so they seem to except the ladies to make all the effort. I don’t want a lazy man that makes me do all the work in a relationship so why would I want this if I am only just dating someone? Just a thought! :)

On A Day Like Today

May 11, 2010
On a Day like Today!

It is ridicules that I have to do this exercise…but perhaps very necessary. I am sure this will not be the first time...

When the place you work at has been playing country music all day, and country music is what your ex always listened too...better yet he had many songs for the two of you... I discovered that I get this feeling of absolute panic now when I hear Sugarland, Keith Urban makes me feel desperately lonely, Dierks Bentley makes me reminisce and then I want to really burst into tears of heartache when I hear Gary Allen. There was a whole CD of Gary Allen, so he will never be safe!

I have never wanted my work day to end as desperately before as I wanted it to today!

It is as though the universe is constantly toying with me...then it decided to go a step further...I end up in a phone conversation with my ex boyfriends mother who said she needed some information. Sweetest lady in the world but it amazes me how one phone conversation can alter my state of mind and throw off my whole emotional well being within minuets...which can last for up to three days typically.

It has been nearly five months for goodness sakes! Why is he telling his mother he misses me (just so she tells me I am sure) when he is dating someone else? She said it wasn’t serious with the lady two sentences after she told me he wants to break up with her.

Well how the hell is it that you have to break up with someone who you aren’t serious with??? Well obviously he is sleeping with her...she wants to marry him I am being told, which of course is why he now wants to break up...Isn’t that why he broke up with me...Because after three years I wanted it to go somewhere?

Never mind the fact I had invested my whole heart and soul into the relationship. I mean really! It is sort of what people want at some point if they are looking for or thought they were in a monogamous loving relationship and have given so much of their time/life to make it work.

As I was told so rudely by someone lately “You’re not getting any younger!” This someone had their own agenda and it really didn’t work for me so it was just a last resort attempt to try to manipulate me into doing things his way. I was only a little offended...Grain of salt and all, you know. I mean he wanted me and I didn’t want him so why be too insulted? ;^)

You see it is true, I am not getting any younger but that doesn’t mean I want to waste my time dating men or a man who are a...well...waste of my time. If there are even just two...no, one of those "Red Flags" it is enough for me at this point to turn and run!

Okay back to my exercise. I am lonely and at times I miss so many things about being in Love...even being with him, but there cannot be any turning back. He sealed the deal there...but really, there are so many good things about my being single now and this is the Point, I need to remind myself of that.. LIKE RIGHT NOW!

The Best things about being a Single Lady!

*I dance because no one is looking...whenever I want, as silly or even as sexy as I want. Oh and I love to dance, used to be very good at it when I was quite young. Seriously been thinking about learning Belly dancing...

*I can listen to what ever music suites my mood at the time (I like a variety of different types) and am not stuck listening to only what he likes (unless they play it over the intercom at work :^P). So If am angry, it is angry bitter music. If I am happy it is happy music, sad then...well you get the point.

*After three years of watching the Military Channel and almost never seeing my shows I can finally get back to watching HGTV again...I’m not kidding here. Is being in a relationship mean you have to watch only what the man wants because he is the man?

*I can now watch chick flicks and old movies to my hearts content. Just have to be careful because the romantic ones still make me cry, trying for more comedy here of late.
Does anyone have some suggestions on some good ones?

*I don’t have to answer to or feel guilty when I by a new pair of shoes or an outfit...or buying anything for that matter. I am not one of those big shoppers...in fact I hate to shop (unless I am with someone who enjoys being with me while I do) but when I do I always get really nice things. Looking good is important even if you are a Single Lady...maybe more so.

*Exercise is only for me and how I personally want to look now. There is no need to measure myself against the other girls he stares at anymore. I can love my tiny waist and curvy other parts and feel like a woman because I have hips...It is not like I can change my frame and have a boys figure, no backside and big unnatural boobs anyway. If someone loves you they shouldn’t make you feel inadequate like that by leering at other woman.

*I bought a TV for my room! I just had to say it!!! It is a cute little flat screen I had mounted on the wall. It is for the Old Movies, HGTV and Chick Flicks and my favorite Dramas or Action movies...My point? I didn’t have to ask permission for this indulgence or justify it. I don’t watch TV much but it is there now when I get bored or lonely. It is also fun to cuddle up and watch a movie with my kids on the Weekend. Now I am thinking about getting a bigger version for the family room...someday maybe.

*Decorating is one of my loves and now I can paint my place any way I want! I can put pictures of high heels in the bathroom, have zebra print towels, red appliances...I can even have a pink room if I want...not that I would want too but touches of pink in the accents can be nice sometimes. In fact if I wanted I could suck every last ounce of testosterone out of my environment with just my decorating. I do have a son that has to live here so maybe not that extreme...but I do day dream about it sometimes! :^)

*I can eat more organic and natural foods again. Which I know can be expensive. I can’t do it all the time or with everything but eating healthier is important so I try...you cannot put a price on good health. I will never have to make spaghetti again for the rest of my life if I chose to, or ever again only buy what I know HE likes and approves of as a meal, even when I think it is too full of unhealthy carbohydrates and or lacks proper nutrition. No more iceberg lettuce and ranch dressing in my house! :^D
I can have my spinach salad with nuts and fruit and cheeses with fine vinaigrette dressing…speaking of that... on a side note.

I meet a guy recently…a huge,(he was huge, or so he claimed)total jerk who got mad when his (now ex) wife bought healthier but slightly more expensive lunch meats. He was so upset with her (claimed she broke the budget with these lunch meats)he insisted he do all the grocery shopping and she wasn’t allowed to go unless he went too. If she is the one cooking and feeding the kids...what the hell??? No, this was not the they did it Together situation! He controlled everything and now wonders why she “lost her mind” and "wanted a divorce." He also didn’t understand why I didn’t side with his take on the situation. Maybe because he bragged about how he could spend thousands and thousands of dollars a year on recreational items and expensive vacations for himself, while she had to eat and feed their kids cheaply. Yeah....if a relationship is so controlling that you cannot buy a healthier choice now and then, why would I want that???

I am not raising my kids on Ramen Noodles and Macaroni and Cheese just because it is cheaper! Isn’t it my job to help them be healthy so they can be fully functioning children and grow in to healthy functioning adults?

Okay...I am almost done. I am sure in time I can come up with more but this is what I needed to get through On A Day Like Today.

*My Dreams can be my own. No more do I have to shove them aside for another person’s agenda when they aren’t willing to compromise enough to help me fit my dreams into theirs. It isn’t like I want anything difficult or unreal. Maybe I am just a bit more ambitious than some woman. I love romance and being in love and am very sacrificing when I love someone, but I still want my own identity. I have been with and meet too many men who want my identity to be solely wrapped up in them. Why should it? They don’t give up their identity or their dreams to be wrapped around my little finger or to give up their world.

So what is it my dreams are made of? Well mainly they have to do with where I want my carrier to go and what I want to do for my children, as well as the stability I want for both. More about who I am trying to become as a person than anything. Not a big deal! It isn’t like I am saying “Honey I want to be a hooker…can you be good with that? Other than that we can we have a normal life?” Hello!!! I just want to be with someone who can be encouraging and supportive like I have been to them...someone who doesn’t tell me when I am working successfully at my carrier and am very good at it that they can’t marry me until I go get a “Real Job.”

I'm my opinion a real Job is something that is real to you! Your the one working it! How real does it have to be to others? I mean if your making money doing it....Just saying!

On Being Vulnerable

I had this thought today....I hope I can explain it as clearly as I felt/thought it. I think that in a romantic relationship we all want someone who will love us and open themselves up to us fully. We want to see the vulnerable side because without it there isn’t really any intimacy.

So then I thought on further....

After being in relationships where I was the only person making my self fully vulnerable before that person, I am sure I know why other people do not now.
I cannot be hurt by anyone who I have not opened myself up too. I must open myself up to them to love them fully and they deserve that right?

I feel a great closeness to someone who lets me see them clearly, weaknesses and all. At the beginning of relationships this always seems to be there. It cannot help but be, because it is new and unknown and you pick up on it more in the other person. I give that which I hope to receive in return.

But I realized today that I have done that with at least two men who were never willing to do the same, and they in turn were able to manipulate and use my vulnerability to their advantage.

I really believe they never thought I would ever leave….especially this last relationship where I had opened up every part of my self with abandon, in a sense. I think my emotional nakedness before him…somehow gave him a sense of power. Without a doubt if someone takes advantage of that, then they are very insecure.

Everyone has a breaking point. You cannot be naked all the time, being constantly scratched at and getting caught in the thorny forest of jealously, sarcasm, deceit, and mind games.

At some point you become so tormented you shut down. No longer can they make you cry by bringing up that one” thing”. “That thing” that has always cut you to shreds….Something you did or said, maybe even before you knew them. Sometimes they even claim you did, this horrible thing that you’re really pretty sure you never did…Pisceans are really good at this one. Just Saying! ;)

This is their justification that what ever they have done to hurt you is okay and they are in the clear. It cannot possibly be as bad as this “Thing” you did. It keeps you there with them though; it triggers sadness when they want it too. If you weren’t sad then you wouldn’t love them right? If you love them you will hurt because they were so wronged by you? You are so very sorry? Right!?

Then one day when the cords feel very tight and your burdens feels heavy you stop shoving that little voice out of your mind. The one you haven’t let have its voice. You suddenly are giving it more time to express its self. It is now your only companion for you are in a relationship and all alone. It tells you “There has to be more.” “You are human.” “You may have made mistakes but that has nothing to do with the lover/person you are now.” “Why are you not good enough?” Maybe it isn’t you that isn’t good enough?”

Listen now… Your soul is speaking too you! You may have been vulnerable before but it isn’t safe. It was never safe so you begin to build up the wall. When the wall gets high enough you will be strong enough to leave….and you have to leave. If you don’t you may lose yourself completely.

Someday you will find that person who you can be completely open with and they will not ravage a war of tactics on you to keep you down and in your place.
They will nurture you and nourish your soul so that you flourish and feel safe again to be emotionally naked and truly intimate once again. If you do not find it in someone else…you will be that for yourself.

Celebrate your beauty. That secret vulnerable you…it is the heart of this vulnerable side where your true emotion lies. It is where you learn and you grow. Based on all your life’s journey it is where your ideas form and then are born into desires, which must happen so that you can nurture them, so they will be able to metamorphosis into something greater that you can safely show the world someday…

Guys in Edgar suits.....

So today I put a lot of thought into relationships. I am not sure it got me to any definite conclusions, but at least it was a good exercise in awareness.

So without giving too much information… I was asked by my girlfriend to “come get her” and if she could stay with me.

I have known it was coming for a while…her leaving her husband that is. She has a plan that wasn’t supposed to play out for a few months. Sometimes it gets so bad though that she will call me in desperation to come get her. As it usually turns out she ends up not leaving him.

I drove fifty minutes to her place and had to wait over thirty for her to show up. She gave me money for gas and told me not yet…..I didn’t want to leave her, but what could I do?

What is the deal with people?! Why do they treat each other so bad?! Being alone can be so hard sometimes…is it really that tough to treat your significant other with kindness? Why do people in relationships take so much for granted?

It is my instinct to say why do guys do this? My personal experience is mainly with men who are the jerks. I would say there are a few of my best girls who are on the same page as me too. I know it isn’t just men, but being that my seeing is through a Lady’s eyes I apologize if I seem biased in my writing today.

So this guy, my best girl’s husband I will call Edgar. I call him that because of that “Men in Black” movie. You know the alien living inside an Edgar suit as he is referred to by Will Smith in the movie.

So Edgar appears to others to be this nice sort of bigger dude. He isn’t bad looking I am sure, but to me he is hideous. This guy tries to control who she sees, who she talks too, how she spends money, her son and pretty much everything else you can think of. He won’t let her have a phone and constantly takes her wallet. He rarely will let her call her family and girlfriends…he absolutely hates me becuase I respond to her cries for help. My being there and her not coming after she called me only makes this worse.

He is so mean all the time. He is even unkind when she is sick. He emotionally tortures her. He gets mad when she is in the bathroom to long or too often. He will throw her drinks out the window or spit in it to make a point. The point I think being is just to make her life hell!

I think he is an insecure boy who never grew up and wants her constant attention and devotion although he isn’t willing to give her his devotion on any level.

That doesn’t even describe the manipulative mind games he plays to mess with her head. It is all about power and all about control. But she saw very little of this in during the courtship.

People call this kind of individual sick. They are the one who plead mental incompetence when they get in legal trouble...yet they are clever enough (until exposed)to hide their inner monster from everyone else. As long as they don't let anyone to close..no one is the wiser.

On some very similar levels I experienced this with my ex husband and my ex boyfriend so I get how damaging it is to a woman psyche. People want to know why you don't just walk away.

Relationships are investments and it is so painful to put your heart and soul into a relationship thinking you really know someone…only to find out…you had no idea who they were and what they were really capable of. We live in denial sometimes even after we leave them.

I guess that means that all those little red flags are a big deal. This "Seeing Single Lady" is now so much more committed to being extremely observant in my dating life so that I do not miss those. I think so much of my own heartaches would have been lessened if I had taken a more cautious approach.

So many of us just go with the flow putting our trust in someone way too soon when we are dating. When someone is in a big hurry to go somewhere with a dating relationship that is a "Big red flag." They want to get you tied in emotionally before you even get what they are all about…"RUN" from that people!

After today I am now much more committed to watching out for those aliens walking around in Edgar suits…..

My Valentines Day as a Single Lady!

Being Single on Valentines Day is the hardest of all...harder than Christmas and even New Years Eve!
But yesterday was hard as well because it was my two month anniversary of breaking up with my boyfriend of almost three years (until I find something better lets call him Hal).

Breaking up with Hal was the hardest thing I ever did and the strangest thing of all was that I really didn’t have to break up with him….All I had to do is bring up some things that I wanted to understand and try to resolve, and based on his extremely defensive nature I knew he would lash out at me and that within days of his constant blame games we would break up. He never took responsibility for anything he was really good at putting it all on me.

Oh…How did I know this you ask? Because we had done this before and only the difference this time was that I was not going to call him and beg him to take me back.

What usually happened was that I try for a week to get him to call me, talk to me and work it out. By the time we get back together I am back in the relationship that is entirely on his terms…which is more like and imprisonment in a way. My feet were just so tired of walking on broken glass all the time.

The 13th of December is my break up date. It really didn’t really end for about a week after that because it is part of this game he always played. But I count it mainly it because it was the big catalyst day. It was also what I would consider our third breakup as well...I know pathetic. When does a Lady learn?

You see Hal had been telling me for a while that we were going to get married “next spring” and then it was “this coming summer.” Convenient for him that he would only tell me this when I was feeling very unhappy and it looked like I would walk.

So yesterday I thought of all my dreams I had with him. I realized I had more hopes for what could be than what really was. Hal was always accusing other guys of being talkers and would tell me he was different than that…..”He was the real deal!”

But time proved he was just as much a deceiver and out of touch with reality as the others. In fact I think much worse because he lead me on much longer.

I pictured us going to a Bon Jovi concert and to Vegas and Hawaii together. All of which he would say we would do…soon…then I had to accept the reality.

Which reality was that even though he was a really hard worker during the day, was that in the evenings and weekends he would rather sit and watch TV and live vicariously off of other peoples (sometimes Fictional) lives than have a life with me of his own.

I have to remind myself of these things to keep from running back. Yes I have a super duper soft spot but it isn’t worth indulging that particular soft spot where Hal is concerned.

You see today I found a little note card in my windshield wiper when I walked out to my car. I opened it up and it was a Valentines Day Card for my kids from his son. I of course broke into tears and fell into tiny pieces for almost an hour. Then I put myself back together and decided to be peeved that he would use his son to try to get to me, when he has to know this is a very difficult day for me. I also don’t have my kids this year for Val’s Day!

You see he keeps having his mom call to see how I am so he knows what is going on.

It seems at times that he wants me back but it seems he has commitment issues. He wants the relationship of convenience that we had before. I said some things needed to change and he isn’t willing to give me that commitment so he is sitting back and waiting for me to come back. He just sends out “missing you” and such texts from time to time and pulls at my heart strings, which of course always makes me cry... or infuriates me. Depends on the day and how I feel about men in general at the time.

A male friend of mine told me that all Hal would have had to do is show up with roses, a calendar a simple ring and I would go back. I hope not! I have had my days to dream about it but the reality was that being with him was a nightmare most of the time.

Oh yes I may be discussing Hal a lot. You see I am not really over him yet I am afraid. I loved him and gave him all of me, only to have him be selfish and unconcerned about my well being in return.

Hal is also not the only guy I have to talk about. I always seem to have a few lined up at least until I figure them out. I have much so say on the subject.
I know Valentines seems like such a depressing day to start my “Single Lady Blog” but hey! What else am I going to do? ;) Kisses to you all! XXOOX