On Being Vulnerable

I had this thought today....I hope I can explain it as clearly as I felt/thought it. I think that in a romantic relationship we all want someone who will love us and open themselves up to us fully. We want to see the vulnerable side because without it there isn’t really any intimacy.

So then I thought on further....

After being in relationships where I was the only person making my self fully vulnerable before that person, I am sure I know why other people do not now.
I cannot be hurt by anyone who I have not opened myself up too. I must open myself up to them to love them fully and they deserve that right?

I feel a great closeness to someone who lets me see them clearly, weaknesses and all. At the beginning of relationships this always seems to be there. It cannot help but be, because it is new and unknown and you pick up on it more in the other person. I give that which I hope to receive in return.

But I realized today that I have done that with at least two men who were never willing to do the same, and they in turn were able to manipulate and use my vulnerability to their advantage.

I really believe they never thought I would ever leave….especially this last relationship where I had opened up every part of my self with abandon, in a sense. I think my emotional nakedness before him…somehow gave him a sense of power. Without a doubt if someone takes advantage of that, then they are very insecure.

Everyone has a breaking point. You cannot be naked all the time, being constantly scratched at and getting caught in the thorny forest of jealously, sarcasm, deceit, and mind games.

At some point you become so tormented you shut down. No longer can they make you cry by bringing up that one” thing”. “That thing” that has always cut you to shreds….Something you did or said, maybe even before you knew them. Sometimes they even claim you did, this horrible thing that you’re really pretty sure you never did…Pisceans are really good at this one. Just Saying! ;)

This is their justification that what ever they have done to hurt you is okay and they are in the clear. It cannot possibly be as bad as this “Thing” you did. It keeps you there with them though; it triggers sadness when they want it too. If you weren’t sad then you wouldn’t love them right? If you love them you will hurt because they were so wronged by you? You are so very sorry? Right!?

Then one day when the cords feel very tight and your burdens feels heavy you stop shoving that little voice out of your mind. The one you haven’t let have its voice. You suddenly are giving it more time to express its self. It is now your only companion for you are in a relationship and all alone. It tells you “There has to be more.” “You are human.” “You may have made mistakes but that has nothing to do with the lover/person you are now.” “Why are you not good enough?” Maybe it isn’t you that isn’t good enough?”

Listen now… Your soul is speaking too you! You may have been vulnerable before but it isn’t safe. It was never safe so you begin to build up the wall. When the wall gets high enough you will be strong enough to leave….and you have to leave. If you don’t you may lose yourself completely.

Someday you will find that person who you can be completely open with and they will not ravage a war of tactics on you to keep you down and in your place.
They will nurture you and nourish your soul so that you flourish and feel safe again to be emotionally naked and truly intimate once again. If you do not find it in someone else…you will be that for yourself.

Celebrate your beauty. That secret vulnerable you…it is the heart of this vulnerable side where your true emotion lies. It is where you learn and you grow. Based on all your life’s journey it is where your ideas form and then are born into desires, which must happen so that you can nurture them, so they will be able to metamorphosis into something greater that you can safely show the world someday…