Trapped

I am writing this with bitter hot tears rolling down my face...it is after 1:00 am in the morning and I can’t sleep to save my life. The worst thing is that at 5:00 am I will be waking my son up to take his medicine, so that an hour later I can wake him up and he will be motivated to get ready for school. Then I will drive him 40 minutes to his school. A school that used to be in our area but because of a last minute move...because of a terrible landlord and my financial situation I can't live near it at the moment.

It is close to the end of the year to pull him out and the place I am staying is not, and cannot be permanent.

I am in essence homeless in a way. I am living in my parent’s home but amid their clutter and all my own boxes and things. There is no room here at all for us really.

I am self employed but I can hardly work here...not much privacy and too much clutter to even think sometimes. I feel trapped. Trapped!

Trapped is the feeling I have had my entire life. I have always been trapped by something. Controlling parent’s expectations or the expectations of friend, church leaders and still others who it shouldn't even matter...the whole world I have come to feel is mainly self serving and entitled.

I feel I have no one to turn to. No one I can trust. Oh, they mean well my parents and such but it seems everyone has an agenda. Something they think you should be doing rather than actually supporting your dreams.

My parents used to control everything I did as a child way up until I go married and moved out...of course into a marriage that was controlling also. Big Surprise!

It is hard being in this place because I feel trapped once again, more so than when I was living in a horrible old basement with a rude horrible landlord who by the way kicked me out because I would not tolerate them verbally abusing my daughter...See? No wonder I find this world cruel and disgusting!

Who does that??? Kicks a single woman out of their basement that always paid her rent on time; just because her 10 year old told their five year old daughter she couldn’t play at the moment???

People are Unbelievable!

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I do not feel at this moment that I am the master of my own fate. I feel like I am suffocating under a thousand pressures and expectations and not just of others...of my own.



I want a place of my own. I want a place where I can do my business & even have clients come. I want my kids to feel secure again like they did before I lost my home. I want to run away. I have no idea where to turn. Everything I do to get ahead blows up in my face.

I deposited $800.00 in the bank today of money I needed desperately and had been waiting to be paid, but because of bounced check fees (I made the mistake of using the wrong checkbook for the wrong account) it is pretty much all gone. I owe people money that I was hoping to pay back and now I can’t. I am just sinking rapidly like a ship without a bottom.

All this I mentioned isn’t even all of it. I believe I have so much talent and so much potential but you cannot even get yourself out there without money. I had so many dreams and plans for my life but on days like this as I see things rapidly falling apart faster than I can put them together I just feel it is all hopeless...