It has been within the last few days with the influence of Valentines Day in every corner of every store and creeping into my life in any way it could, that I started asking myself a few questions.
Things like, what would I want if I had a Valentine? What would I consider romantic? Then the big one that has been spinning in my brain ever since is… What is romance really to me? Now I’m serious.
I don’t think we all think of the same thing when we think romance. I think our perceptions of it have to do with so many various influences over the years.
I was raised in a very overly protective home, where we were only supposed to watch old movies, musicales and Disney movies. Even though I can now watch some of the same content and find all the hidden innuendos. These things were completely lost on my little girl mind.
I didn’t have a clue about the birds and the bees. All I knew was that if a girl was pretty enough and sort of helpless there would be some wonderful handsome fellow wanting to do anything for her. He was smitten…yes by her beauty. But I did not know that the only reason men make kind romantic gestures is for the reward at the end…Sex.
I thought that was just what love was. Love was everything and love had nothing to do with sex. Well how can it when you don’t even know about those buzzing bees and twitter-patted birds and what they um…supposedly do?
If I had known what I know now I would have found much of the act of romancing a woman very manipulative and selfish. Just saying….
It sort of makes those scenarios…where the man and woman hate it other at the beginning of the film and then are forced into getting to know each other because of some unavoidable circumstance then helplessly…quite against their will they fall in love…..it makes those stories actually seem more romantic.
At this point in my life I think any man that tells you the right thing…the thing you want to hear…and they know ladies what we like to hear…. is not to be trusted. He may know how to sweep you off your feet in a moment but what about the morning after? Or weeks after? What about finding out there are all these weird things you can’t stand because you rushed in with your head in the clouds and your feet off the ground?
At least in the scenario where you hate each other first you have time to get over it if possible, and figure out if you can make compromises. You have more time to think clearly. I think any man or woman that really rushes things are insecure or selfish…or both.
I may be rambling a bit here, but at some point a woman realizes that a man giving her flowers and chocolates doesn’t always mean that he adores or cherishes her. He just wants to see if it gets him closer to getting something he wants because it builds a sort of false trust with her.
That is probably why a man can be all ears at the beginning of a relationship and spends so much time listening and after he gets a piece, he never listens anymore….
I used to think if a guy and I hit it off really well and could talk for hours it meant something. What I have found is that they move on if they don’t get what they are really after. You see I make them work for it. I am not all great to go meet a guy after one chat online. There are too many jerks out there and if they can’t respect that they move on. Oh, well. They all moved open with in a day. I am not easy dudes.
I know many girls who will not accept dinner invitations now because the man expects to make out or get a blow job, just for buying a girl dinner. After my little six months experience in the online world, getting to know quite briefly quite a few men who wanted to do phone sex the very night they start chatting with you….one who asked if he could come over right now and one invited me to go overseas with him…well I am no longer online.
Are woman really taking up those offers with strangers? Oh, I hope not. I don’t care if he says he has a Porsche. You don’t know if even that is true!
I have decide that romance or whatever that was, is and probably always was nothing more than the means for a man to manipulate a woman into feeling a false sense of security with them.
Men will either bring flowers or come out and directly say they want to get laid.
No don’t get me wrong. This does not mean I would never want to be seduced by someone but I am not going to let every Tom, Dick and Harry get a prize. In fact I want just one man to give it up to, and I am hoping for the rest of my life.
So before the commitment what I would consider romantic is not going to be what every other dude out there is doing. Oh, yeah you say they are doing it because it works…who cares. It doesn’t work for me anymore.
I refuse to feel, like a piece of meat. I think a man wouldn’t care if he felt like one so men seem to have no problem making us woman feel that way but I am into that objectifying shit.
You see I want the guy who is crazy for me, just like in the movies….but different.
Not because I give it up easy (because then they will be gone anyway or you will become a part time booty call) but because he has worked for it and worked hard.
You would think the older I get the more desperate I should feel, well I don’t. The older I get the more I want it to mean something.
So what is Romance to me? It is affection, cuddling. It is when you’re curled up watching a movie with your man and he absentmindedly kisses your forehead or plays with your hair. Maybe even for just a second. It is like he just let his guard down, revealing how happy he is you are there.
If my ex husband held my hand it meant within minutes we were going to the bedroom to have sex. There was no non-sexual touching with him….that should have been a good indication that he didn’t care much for foreplay too. It was all about getting the honey from the hive…if you know what I mean. It was tiresome to feel like I had to put out just because I was seen as his possession. He really punished me for refusing him…..Immature if you ask me.
The last relationship I was in, the guy cuddled the heck out of me. He was so affectionate and sweet to me. This guy was rough around the edges with everyone else but when he was with me he made me feel like he was crazy about me. If I cuddled with him long enough sometimes I could end up in the mood without much more being done. It is amazing to me that a little nonsexual touching can make me feel so at ease that I want things to get fired up.
He was pretty passionate but I think it was his non selfish approach of making sure I was enjoying things and his not rushing things that made it that way. Passion is another thing I find romantic. For me it is hard to see romance without a passion.
I am sad at times that we never got married actually, because there was more um…romance to be had there…I had never really fantasized before I met him but his loving me this way made me want to make him all kinds of happy.
He also dated me longer before giving me that first kiss than any other man. When he kissed me yes, it was fireworks. I think it was because I waited and anticipated it for so long. I felt he respected me, and that is romantic too.
It didn’t make things perfect, neither of us were perfect people…but it helped me see that there could be another side to things. Women want to be romanced and men want the physical affection. Okay, I get it but it doesn’t mean I am not going to be particular about how and who romances me.
Maybe I seem a bit personal here tonight but it is always hard to know how honest I should and shouldn’t be….believe me, I edited some things out that may have been way too colorful. I guess what I am trying to say is that I hate the façade, the pretending. I do not want to be some guy’s pawn in a game.
I want it to be real and genuine and authentic. I don’t want red roses because everyone else gives them or he is getting something. I want to know that I am loved and special.
I think you could show someone that everyday not just one day a year. I admit that I was disappointed that I had no reason to buy cute lingerie this year to surprise someone special. My bank account didn’t mind though…..I hope you all had a Happy Valentines Day!
I don't think sex should be looked as a "reward" of any kind. I think looking at love like its some kind of special disease and if you find the right person who has the disease then you reward them, is again looking at love like its something you fall into. Its a common way that many women think about love. I think this mentality is actually attractive to the very thing women say they don't want. Its actually attracting the same manipulative guy they say they think they are avoiding. You are simply trading "time" for "things he might say" or "dinners he might buy". There is no difference!! Plenty of guys are willing to "put" in the "time" to manipulate sex as a reward as who are willing to spit out certain words or buy you certain things.
ReplyDeleteI think this view of love is still that same "Disney" view of the "romantic" view portrayed by movies. It feeds into a womans belief that there must be some kind of magic behind this feeling and it must be unique. However, love is actually quite the opposite...its not unique at all. Its as easy to grow as an apple on a tree....even in the most inhospitable and unlikely of conditions.
Also, keep in mind, in all those adult movies, those people in love are having "sex", we just don't always get to see that depending on the rating. It is also happening in the Disney movies. Love is not something you "fall" into. And given some magical 6 month time commitment without sex will not change that. Love is MADE. Pure and simple. Even in those romantic movies...they are "MAKING" it out of thin air. That is the great thing about this great Gods gift to us we call Love. You can make it. We all can make it. You can be the last two people on planet earth with your sworn enemy and you can still make this "love". Right out of thin air. It only takes two people willing to make sacrifices, willing to say nice things, willing to compromise. You can look at those things "negatively" as "manipulative"...or you can choose to look at those things "postive" as "loving". That choice is yours and yours alone. Sex is but one part of the process of "making love". However, using it as a "reward" for putting in a certain time, is just as "manipulative" as lieing for it. In the end, nothing good can come from it.
I think one of the issues here is whether the guy is really an overgrown boy or a true "man". A true man is a hard worker and will expect his woman to be one too. In other words, he will put his heart into everything he does trying to be his personal best whether he be an doctor or a mailman. He will also expect his woman to put forth her best effort in her life whether it's being a mother or an architect. This work ethic will then leak into the bedroom. A true man doesn't just jump in the sack for a number to stick on his proverbial airplane; he's building one skyscraper one brick at a time and he's not looking around at all of the other buildings around him wondering if their's looks better than his, he's just trying to make his the best he can. A true man does cuddle and let himself seem somewhat vulnerable at times. A true man wants to please his woman. In and out of the bedroom. An overgrown boy just wants to be pleased but a true man wants to please.
ReplyDeleteI am very blessed to have a true man. He's a little awkward, a little nerdy, and not the most gorgeous guy on earth, but he is a hard worker, who does what he can to be his best self and does his best to please me. In return I do my best to please him. That's what I think is romantic. Working and building each other up and being a real man and woman who love each other and are devoted. I hope that you will be able to have this kind of romance someday. Love you!
Both of yo have some really great thoughts. I think it is interesting to see what romance is though of by some. I am not sure I have figured out the whole thing completely yet. I just know if I care about someone spending quality time with them and feeling appreciated is romantic to me.
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